Last December, I’ve hit bottom.
I realised just how much I’ve isolated myself over the past few years. How I’ve been living in a fantasy world where I was the star, the only one that mattered, and everybody else was just a means for my own transformation. How I’ve let my underworld cut myself off from you—the people close to me.
Being confronted with reality was painful. With just how alone I am. With how I’ve been living an unsustainable life. With how I don’t know how to go on. Yet, I felt tremendous joy at this unfiltered view. Why? Because now, I can actually do something.
By accepting the reality of my life, by facing how I’ve been fooling myself and escaping the facts, I get to take responsibility by saying “I’ve made it so.” Instead of blaming others and the world, I empowered myself to do something about it—not in my mind, not tomorrow, and not by hoping for some higher force to take care of me—but now and in reality.
I’ve committed to create a space with Nusa. I didn’t know how that would go. I had a lot of reasons not to do it, generously provided by the voices in my mind: You’re too young. Nobody will take you seriously. What do you even have to share? You’re not good enough. You’ll fail. Nobody will attend. It’ll go horribly. You’re not allowed to do this. You’re not ready yet. Better to wait.
Yet, I committed.
What ensued has been nothing short of amazing. The whole journey has nourished my being beyond what I ever could have imagined—seriously. And the space itself hasn’t even happened yet.
Holding the meetings with Nusa, distilling our conscious and unconscious purposes, feeling the ecstatic fear and joy when we discovered the space’s name, having our gremlins fight over who can edit the website, straining my eyes while getting the colours of the flyer just right, raging against the internet in the mountains of Sinai, letting the text for the website come through me (which sent me in a three day long liquid state), getting in touch with people I haven’t talked to in years and exchanging where we are and how we can collaborate and be of service to one another, feeding the space with writings and videos and open zoom calls… I could go on!
It’s as if an energy is working through me, propelling me forward into the unknown. And that, that I want more of. That’s purpose. That’s when I’m most alive, when I get the sensation that I’m doing what I’m really supposed to be doing.
And you know what I’ve discovered? All inauthentic emotions, which are feelings that don’t come from my being but from society, belief systems, institutions, etc., like “will I have enough money to survive?” have more or less completely disappeared. It turns out that actually living is a much stronger force than trying to survive.
All thanks to one simple commitment. Will you try one yourself?
What do you want? What have you been dreaming of? What’s the next concrete step you can take towards that vision of yours?
You know it means something to you if it makes you feel—when tears come to your eyes, a warm sensation rises in your heart, or the shivers of fear run down your spine. That’s alive.
It kind of makes sense, no? Feelings make you feel alive. Like, it’s a no-brainer. You don’t say I think alive. You say I feel alive. The source of aliveness is clear! Thoughts alone don’t make you alive. Yet, I’ve lived most of my life exactly there, in my mind (sometimes also above, which is kind of cool but not so grounded), where I’m cut off from my aliveness.
So, will you make a commitment that makes you feel? That makes you alive? I bet that if you do, life will have your back.
It’s simple:
- Get one person (psshh: I’d be more than happy to be your buddy).
- Tell them, “I’m committing to do (action) until (date).”
- If you want to make it more dangerous (highly recommended), add the following: “If I don’t do it, I’ll pay 100 Euros to (name of charity).”
Will you let me know how it goes?
With Love,
Valentin Raphael
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